Sleepless

I was naked, on a beautiful tropical beach. As is typical of my dreams, I was being chased by carnivorous, bikini-wearing, flying monkeys. Suddenly, I heard a single, loud shriek. It was the scream of a small mammal being crushed in the jaws of a much larger predator. A small mammal with a very powerful electronic megaphone. I was no longer asleep. The shrill sound had jolted me instantly from the blissful realm of my sleeping brain to a state of very, very wide awakeness.

I rolled over and looked at the clock. Three-thirty. I was sure I knew what the sound was. Now it was just a matter of determining whether it was just a stray electronic gremlin calling out in the night or whether it required my getting up. I held out faint hope that the sound came from one of the neighboring lofts and that I would soon be able to return to my strangely erotic dream. For a long time I lay there, willing myself back to sleep. To no avail.

The next scream came at shortly after four. Knowing that I would not be able to sleep without rooting out the cause I got out of bed. First I walked over to the bedroom smoke detector. It stared silently down at me with its unblinking green eye. Like Dick Cheney under subpoena, it would not reveal its secrets.

After several minutes of pointless watching I decided to go downstairs to see if there were any other electronic devices that might have been responsible for my wandering around the house naked at such an uncivilized hour. Several months earlier the carbon monoxide detector had gone through a spasm of similar shrieks when its battery had run down. Even though I knew that I had removed the dying battery, effectively disconnecting the detector, I looked in the laundry closet. You never know when adult-minded visitors might take it upon themselves to resurrect such a safety device. And my brother had just stayed with me a few days earlier. However, the carbon monoxide detector hung lifelessly on the back wall, its empty battery holder gaping like the jaw of a small human skull.

The next likely suspect was the burglar alarm panel. It had winked at me when I came downstairs but I attributed this to the motion detector signaling my presence. I looked at the panel for several seconds and then wandered into the kitchen. Just as I was reaching for the refrigerator door, mostly because I was at a loss for anything else to do, another scream pierced the silence.

This time it was quite clear that the culprit was upstairs and left no doubt that it was the smoke detector. I went back upstairs and stared at it again and was rewarded by another shrill shriek just a minute later. And yet another one a minute after that. Clearly, my little, round, plastic guardian had found its voice and I would have to deal with it promptly if I was going to get back to bed.

I twisted the unit loose from its mounting ring but was unable to pull the AC power connector out. Perhaps it was the early hour. Perhaps it was because I still had not turned on any lights. Most likely it was the inherent Resistentialism of the smoke detector at work. In any case, my goal of disconnecting the smoke detector and going back to sleep just became much more complicated. Tools were required.

I got out a screwdriver and pried the connector out. Then I sat on the bed and proceeded to take the battery out. During all of this the electronic screams caused by the failing battery were coming once a minute, just like the fine print on the case said they would. My hastily thought out plan was to remove the battery and go back to sleep. I concluded that the risk of a fire over the next three hours seemed remote. In evaluating the risk, I felt that the smoke detector was more likely to cause a fire than to warn me about one. I would worry about getting a replacement battery later in the day - when it was light outside.

Of course, the smoke detector had other ideas. For those of you who have never had the opportunity to deal with a recalcitrant smoke detector it may come as a bit of a surprise that a smoke detector will continue to “alarm” long after it has been disconnected from all power sources! Apparently, a smoke detector can store energy (fat?) for when its two primary sources of power have failed. And my smoke detector had clearly been saving for a while. Despite being buried under a blanket and pillows in the living room I could still hear its plaintive little squeals. Finally, just as it sensed that I was getting ready to take it outside and lock it in my car, it fell silent.

Perhaps it just ran out of energy. Perhaps it gave up. I like to think that it finally realized that it was dealing with a superior intellect and surrendered. In either case I stood there, sleepy but victorious, as the light through yonder window broke. It was the east and yes, it was the sun.

Despite my lack of sleep last night I am in a magnanimous mood. I will in fact buy a replacement battery. I may even buy one for the carbon monoxide detector. But one thing is certain. Tonight I will sleep. My dreams and slumber will not be disturbed by any little electronics. I will ensure tranquility. For tonight I will sleep with my hammer on my nightstand.