Dear Mr. Pope:
As you are surely aware, I was baptized Catholic back in 1961. I was less than one year old at the time and rather than waiting for me to be old enough to make up my own mind, you fooled my parents into agreeing to the baptism. Well, I am plenty old enough to know better about your fantasy world of fire, brimstone and eternal damnation, and I don’t want to be part of it. It has been many, many years since I decided not to participate in your Kabuki plays. So, for all intents and purposes, I have already left the church.
The problem is that I am not sure that the Catholic church has gotten the message. For all I know you are still counting me as one of your members despite the fact that I have not paid any dues. The fact that I failed, actually was asked to leave, confirmation class seems proof enough. However, I want out without any misconception on your part about my status. That is the purpose of this letter.
I could join another religion but that doesn’t really help matters. That would just put me in another pointless relationship that I have no interest in being in or even being associated with. What I am looking for is some sort of official recognition, something in writing that I can offer up as definitive proof that I am no longer a catholic. It seems the easiest way to achieve this is for you to excommunicate me. What steps do I have to take to be excommunicated from the Catholic Church? I am not a violent person so anything that involves killing or hurting another being (yes, I know, awfully Buddhist sounding) is not feasible. I also don’t want to have to burn any bulls or worship some other deity. It is my understanding that some bishops here in the United States have either excommunicated, or threatened to excommunicate, people for supporting pro-choice politicians. Can I qualify for such an excommunication?
Another option would be for me to follow in the footsteps of Martin Luther and nail my theses to the door of a church. I will be in Europe this summer and can try to swing by Wittenberg if that helps. Of course, the problem is that I don’t actually have any theses prepared. Are plagiarized copies acceptable? Do I have to write them out by hand or can I print them out from my computer? And how will I be sure they are noticed among all the flyers for concerts and pancake breakfasts?
Of course, just excommunicating me for asking would be easiest for both of us. If there is a formal application that I can fill in to speed things up I would appreciate you sending it via email. Or just have it immaculately appear on my desk, whichever is easier. Since I am 100% certain that you have fees for excommunication, could you also provide me with a fee schedule so that I can plot the cheapest way to achieve excommunication?
Thank you in advance for your assistance in this matter.
See you in hell (not!),
Steve
